


The present is the butterfly that flies from your hands, the future is the meadow it's flying towards

by Eluvian



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Live Happily Ever After on Earth btw, Major Character Death because space hamster dies I'm sorry, Not sure if he can be considered a major character, Post happy ending, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad and Happy, Shepard girl is pregnant and emotional, Why is this not a popular tag yet, but now he is, shepard needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:34:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27108820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eluvian/pseuds/Eluvian
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Shepard
Kudos: 8





	The present is the butterfly that flies from your hands, the future is the meadow it's flying towards

Her consciousness began to feel the morning, this odd sensation, the natural light climbing in from the windows, and she was in a soft bed, not something she was used to. There was a warm body next to hers, her husband… her husband. The word felt odd. Alien and familiar. Soft. Warm. Odd. She was not a soldier anymore. She was…

Her body reminded her with a little bit of uneasiness that she was not even alone in her body. Day by day it felt a bit different, now she could feel _her_ moving, her little baby was awake as well, mayybe that was why she has awoken as well.

The pain and worry and responsibility were all nothing compared to the fact that every day she remembered it was a miracle.

 _She_ was a miracle. Her having a family was a miracle.

Her husband – kept repeating this word in her mind – did not wake up. When he finally managed to fall asleep, he slept soundly. She had so many tricks to wake him up. Some cute, some… not so much. But he enjoyed all of them. Now she did not have it in mind to wake him up though.

Morning. To be up in the morning was something totally new. For years she has only known dark space, the familiar lighting all the time, the stars flying by through the window above her bed, the shining blue light of the fish tank, the slow murmur of the engines…

She missed it. Damn, Tali was right about all that noise. Back on Earth… to be true, here, on Earth, back int he days babies used to love sleeping in cars. She now understood why. The feeling of something taking you somewhere, the sound, the noises… made it easier to sleep. This silence was almost too deep for her. But she knew she would get used to it.

She climbed out of bed and just put on her N7 sweater and some shorts, nothing under that. Her belly was huge but it still fit in these comfortable clothes.

She admired herself in the mirror for a while. With an ironic smile, she noted that this was the very reason women were considered weak for so many years. Because for now she was not only herself. She carried someone inside that tormented, multiple-times-healed body that held more memories than most. So she could be even less careless now. But the fact that she was able to give this baby life - well, the worrying could not stop now, but still, even reaching this far was more than she hoped - this was something to be thankful for.

She washed her face, slowly, contently, her every motion was slow, she savoured the slowness of her life now. Adrenaline still rushed through her every time she woke up. She had to tell herself there is no need to rush. There is no task… For a while her life had felt empty without all those tasks, but actually she was free. Open to a life that had been open to many, but not to her. Her life as a soldier has ended.

For now.

Or maybe forever?

It was not something she had lost though, but something she gained.

She had to force all this calmness on herself though. Restlessness was not easy to escape, though by this time she thought she had developed a certain amount of laziness. Maybe that was necesssary.

She headed to the small terrarium on the shelf of the living room. Well, one of them. The apartment had many rooms and they did not yet decide what to call each. Maybe they did not need a name.

With a tiny smile on her face, she approached the glass object.

’Good morning, Sebastian!’

If a hamster understood the concept of morning…

_Hell if I understand the concept of morning. Still need time._

The small, black, furry creature that hid in the wooden house would usually come out to the sound of her voice. But now nothing moved.

Waiting made everything worse. Somehow people try to expect things to go in a certain way, to follow a routine, and all these expectations ruined things…

When did she learn to philosophize so much? That free time must have done it.

She moved the tiny wooden house to glance inside, with a cold worry rushing through her.

That’s when it struck her.

Hamsters did not live long.

Hamsters did not live long.

The position his body was in, it was sure that he was…

He was gone.

He'd already been three years old when she bought him. Considering their lifespan, this was... logical. He had no illness. Surely he had no illness. He was fed well, kept well, all the time.

Suddenly she felt herself tremble and shake, even though it was anything but cold in the room. They constantly kept the temperature at 70°F so that it was comfortable…

She just stared at the black furred hamster, his lifeless body and could not divert her gaze. It was illogical, she knew. Hamsters couldn’t talk. They felt less much than humans. Sebastian had probably understood nothing from what happened around him.

Yet…

It was him who was there as a living being – besides the fish – but fish were not fluffy, warm animals she could take in her hand – at least she didn’t… he was the only one who was there as something to take care of when she was alone. Which she wasn’t. Essentially. Sebastian has been with her wherever the Normandy went. Waiting for her back int hat goddamned cabin.

Sentimental.

Stupid.

She was a grown up, a soldier, soon to be a mother, thirty-three years old, or just thirty-one, because those two years didn’t count?

She tried to distract herself and think logically. Alright, a pet animal is gone. Have to get rid of… somehow…

He was just a hamster. Just a tiny rodent with a small brain. Millions like him in the world. Trillions. Or a number she did not even know the word for.

Humans gave meaning to all kinds of things. Shaping them in their image. So for her Sebastian was more than a hamster. She sometimes imagined he understood her talking. Or she had not. She’d just talked because she needed to get the words out.

She heard her own sobs, first soft and tiny, then louder and quicker, uncontrollable, her shoulders shook with every ragged breath she took. She should have stopped, but she did not want to.

The sounds of someone getting out of bed. Feet touching the ground. His steps. His tired groan and his breath at the back of her neck as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, oversized T-shirt and through that his warm chest touching her back as he glanced forward above her shoulders.

’Hey, hey, what’s wrong?... Oh.’

A quick impulse told her to shove his arms away, to shove away any kind of kindness. That she did not deserve. There was no… reason to…

She was pathetic and weak. She resisted the impulse. It would not have been fair to be mean to him because... Why was this? Were some chemicals inside her body really responsible for all this?

She wanted to apologize for crying like a baby but was not sure what words fitted.

She took a step to the side and gestured for him to let her go. She just wanted to get away from the terrarium. Now to find a destination. The bed? Back in her teenage days she would sometimes throw herself comfortably on her bed and bury her face in a soft pillow and let tears flow into it. She recognized now that this was the same. Back then, she did not know what was happening. Now she didn’t know either. Some slow pain was flowing through her, yet it felt as if it also freed her. With every teardrop she felt lighter.

But the bed did not feel like a good place now. She just left. She still had the memories of waking up, just a few minutes earlier, with the sense of activity, hopes and desires and then-

She walked to the window so she could stare out to something that was still hers. Earth. That she saved. That they saved. Something that is not loss. Because that animal reminded her of all that. Every person, every being that died because…

No because. There was no one to blame anymore. The ones to blame were long gone. It was so difficult when there was no one to blame. Only the memories remained, and not even the fact that she had everything a human could hope for was enough to make them fade.

She had enough money to not worry about it for the rest of her life. Possibly the life of the next generation as well. She had a husband with whom they have fought through hell several times. She had a baby.

She just sometimes wanted to remember those who weren’t hear anymore. Hearing their voices again, remembering the last smile they gave her, their last sentences. In some sweet torment, it filled her with content. Yet she was crying.

She had no idea how to explain that. And all this because she would miss one soft furry animal.

They lived for such a short time. Damned lifespans.

She let out a soft laugh. Lifespans. She had worked and fought with asari and salarians and a hamster made her think of lifespans.

Philosophising. What had she become?

He walked behind her again, softly touching her arms to check whether or not she would push him away.

She did not.

The warm points where their skin touched felt more protected now than when she was wearing armour. She let her balance shift a bit backwards, to snuggle into his embrace, closing her eyes, sensing a set of teardrops slide down her face and then down her neck, leaving a trace of tickly coldness behind. Unfamiliar. For so long she’d held them back. And now she was free.

She took a deep breath and turned around to look into his eyes. She wanted to know whether he understood or he was just intent on comforting her. But in his eyes, in his old eyes, in his brown lovely eyes that made her melt every time she could see he understood. Grateful, she stepped closer and lay her head onto his shoulders.

’Do you think she’ll have pets?’, she asked.

’I am sure she will.’

’Will she not be very sad when they die?’

’You know the answer for that.’

That was correct. _She will need to learn. And we will be there for her. And she will value the time she has with them._

For every time, in all circumstances the present held a great importance. 

And she was grateful as hell that she now also had the future.


End file.
